Domestic Violence and the Faith Community
The first time he physically hurt her was the first year they were married. Janet doesn’t remember what triggered her husband’s anger, but while she was working on a ladder – pregnant with their first child – he pulled her off the ladder and threw her to the floor.
Shocked by the act, she later suggested they go to their pastor for counseling.
“I think the pastor knew something was wrong because after the first time we met, he only met with my husband,” she recalls. “But nothing changed.”
That pattern would continue for the next 19 years.
“We were Christians who met at a Bible school. We prayed together. I thought we wanted the same things, but once we married, everything changed,” she said.
The physical abuse and controlling behavior continued, and Janet struggled to find answers.
Early in the marriage, a woman at their church called the police after her husband threw her down a flight of stairs. Janet heard the pastors talking about it, saying the wife should have called in the pastors, not the police.
“I remembered that. I carried that memory with me. I believed it,” she said.
Domestic violence – a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner – happens to 1 in 4 women. At least 5 million acts of domestic violence occur annually to women 18 years and older. In Troup County, there will be an average of 1,000 domestic violence calls to law enforcement each year.
While domestic violence victims are also men, the majority are women. And while the church is uniquely positioned to be a safe place for victims, more often than not, church leaders and members don’t respond well.
A study by the Georgia Commission on Family Violence found that victims of domestic violence were more likely to turn to their place of worship for support than they were to turn to a domestic violence agency.
“We have some pastors who respond well, but we still have many prone to dismiss what they hear or excuse it as a one-time incident. And if the abuse isn’t physical, then they don’t see it as abuse,” says Michele Bedingfield, executive director of Harmony House, a domestic violence shelter in LaGrange.
Even if pastors or church leaders do want to help, they can unknowingly steer a couple in the wrong direction.
“A lot of times, the answer is to send a couple to counseling together. That isn’t going to work in abusive relationships because she can’t say what she needs to say,” Bedingfield explains.
Janet and her husband had a series of pastors who offered couples counseling, and it often led to her blaming herself for her husband’s behavior.
“I believed it was all my fault. I wasn’t submissive enough; my personality wasn’t meek and mild. I thought I needed to change. I also worried about what others would think about us,” she admits.
Pastors commonly told her, “God hates divorce.” And “Our goal is always reconciliation.”
“After we went to counseling, he would say he was sorry, and he had changed, and the pastor would believe him. But we’d go home and it happened all over again,” she says.
She learned not to talk about it. She became adept at hiding the results of the abuse.
“One day after dinner, I was washing dishes, and he was at the table. I don’t remember what set him off, but he threw a mug across the room at me. It hit me so hard that my watch fell off and it sliced open my wrist and hand. I probably needed stitches, but I just cleaned it up and super glued it,” she says.
For weeks she hid the injury, wrapping a bandage around the wound and wearing long sleeves.
As their family grew, her children learned to stay out of their father’s way when he was angry.
The Power and Control Wheel is a tool used to identify domestic abuse. Created in 1984 by staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, it documents the most common abusive behaviors and tactics experienced by battered women. While physical abuse is one tactic used, the abuse aims to control or dominate the partner.
For instance, intimidation is a common tactic abusers use, making her afraid by using looks, actions, or gestures that others may not see as threatening. Isolation is another tactic, keeping her from family and friends – and sometimes this can be seen in couples who often change churches, keeping her from getting close to any group of people.
Using the wheel can allow women to point to tactics and explain how the tactics were used against them. They can also see that they are not alone.
“It’s a good tool to help people become aware of the signs of abuse. It also helps people know to believe the victim when she reports,” Bedingfield says.
There are other tools, and Bedingfield wants churches to take advantage of those.
“We are working on providing training specifically for church communities to know how to respond well in these situations,” she says. “And we want church leaders and pastors to refer to us. We want to work with the church to keep women and their children safe. We are a shelter, but we also provide services to women who don’t need to use the shelter. We provide any resource that removes a barrier to a woman who wants to leave an abusive relationship.”
The abuse continued for Janet for almost two decades. She can’t even remember all the physical abuse, but she does remember some.
When their dogs got in a fight, he took a shovel and beat the dogs in front of their children. When she yelled for him to stop, he threatened her with the same.
Another afternoon, angry about something, he picked her up in a rage, threw her to the ground and sat on her. Her children watched.
She found violent pornography on his computer.
“Over the years, my dream of marriage died. I grieved. I lost myself. But I still wanted to do the right thing. I just wasn’t sure what that was,” she remembers.
She didn’t want to go on the weekend mission trip with her church, but her husband insisted. During that weekend, another church member picked up on what was going on between the couple.
“She pulled me aside and just asked, ‘Are you being abused?’ She saw it. And I just broke down,” she says.
Janet began reading about abusive relationships. She found other resources, and she saw her relationship clearly across the Power and Control Wheel.
“I stopped making excuses for him. I started trusting that God could break all the chains. But I also had to realize those chains might not be broken,” she says.
Her husband refused any more counseling. She kept praying.
“Then slowly, I realized God was leading me out of Egypt.”
She went to her pastor, who said, “reconciliation is the goal,” but she quickly told him that was no longer an option. He realized the gravity of the situation.
Harmony House staff helped her plan a safe way to leave, and one night when her husband headed to work, a few friends from church showed up with a trailer. With only hours to move the family, they threw belongings in bags and boxes, loaded them up, and moved them to another church member’s home. They stayed there for several weeks.
Harmony House staff helped her get a temporary protective order. The church provided enough money for her to rent a house, and Harmony House paid her car payment until she could sell it and buy something cheaper.
Then her husband showed up at church one Sunday. He made sure an usher saw the gun he had with him.
“I didn’t have the TPO paperwork with me, so I couldn’t call 911, but the church leaders knew he wasn’t supposed to be near us, so they ushered my children and me out and put us in a locked room until we could safely leave,” she says.
Later, they told him he was not welcome at the church.
“The church has become our safe place. They’ve loved my children through this. They’ve helped me with food and rent. When I didn’t have Internet, they gave me a key so I could work in the church building.
“Over the years, the church wasn’t always there for me, but in the end, it was my church that made it possible for me to leave safely, and they continue to support us in so many ways,” she says.
• Janet’s name and some identifying details have been changed for her protection.
Resources
Harmony House 24-hour hotline 706.885.1525
To be notified of training opportunities with Harmony House, call the office number at 706.882.4173
“Safe, Sacred Space, A Manual for Faith Leaders,” Georgia Commission on Family Violence
“Is it Abuse?” by Darby A. Strickland
Dr. Diane Langberg, www.dianelangberg.com
The Power and Control Wheel, www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels